Last year around this time a goal of mine was to write a weekly blog post. It's not like I had something to say, but more the idea of setting up false deadline each week forcing myself into making stuff. It's been a full year now and thankfully I've stuck to the plan – for the most part.
2018 had me shooting some of my favorite images and pushing myself with personal work, but good grief it was f
**king tough personally and professionally. Uprooting and moving to New York City is unquestionably the hardest thing I've ever done. No amount of planning and prep would've been enough but we followed through and did the thing. We're all in New York now and floored at the possibilities ahead. Still, I'm not sleeping well considering all the unknowns.
A sickly and slightly overweight version of me has followed me around the last year or so whispering "Hey dummy, how you going to pay for all this?" He's stinking up and stretching out my clothes while also shooting footage with my name on it that's just bad enough for people to not hire me again. On top of that I've somehow started following this waste of time – and his friends – on Instagram and can't look away. I'm constantly reminded that he's on much better projects than I am and people are lining up to work with this turd fest only to have him flake out for another project in some other exotic location. I'm not too upset with his success though – he's still sick and overweight plus his footage is out of focus and not framed well. Oh, and all his stuff looks like everyone else's.
By no means am I the day to this dumbass's night: I'm not the hero my dog thinks I am, I for sure need to be running more, and good grief I'm ready to be spending more time on ideas rather than trying to "move to New York City." I've mentioned it before, but I'd met with a director not long ago who asked me something along the lines of "What are your goals? What do you want to do?" I just remember the ocean of sheer panic I fell into while trying to even mumble something intelligent. Even my desk stapler would've known I was failing at being a person at that moment.
"Screw you stapler. What have you done with your life?" - Me
I'm a fan of routines and the false deadline of a weekly blog post has been good for me; it'll not see the chopping block anytime soon. I'm also a fan of Chuck Close's idea about inspiration being for amateurs.
"Inspiration is for amateurs — the rest of us just show up and get to work. And the belief that things will grow out of the activity itself and that you will — through work — bump into other possibilities and kick open other doors that you would never have dreamt of if you were just sitting around looking for a great ‘art idea.’ And the belief that process, in a sense, is liberating and that you don’t have to reinvent the wheel every day. Today, you know what you’ll do, you could be doing what you were doing yesterday, and tomorrow you are gonna do what you did today, and at least for a certain period of time you can just work. If you hang in there, you will get somewhere." - Chuck Close
See you next week...